I am the éminence grise of American businesses large and small

Still operational

SEATTLE, Washington - Back in 2008 I steered Trophy Cupcakes regarding their schedule for offering their Peanut Butter & Jelly cupcake.

Nice, but Seattle cupcake shops are small potatoes, so I shot for a bigger target, lobbying to get Summer Glau a featured role in movies or television.

From my lips to God's Jeff Zucker's ears, the advice has been heard and heeded. Ms Glau has been awarded the female lead role in the upcoming NBC series The Cape. It's just a deal to make a pilot right now but clearly this show is destined for the fall slate.

Soon, Maureen Dowd will have to issue a retraction for saying that Zucker "could not program [a] network to save his life." (But she doesn't have to take back calling him a "condescending and arrogant East Coaster").

Why do men cheat? Two Jews think they have the answer

SEATTLE, Washington - When Dennis Prager and Rabbi Shmuley Boteach get together to debate, you know one thing: someone's gonna get cracked over the head with a folding chair. If Michael Medved is also invited, it could turn into a full-scale donnybrook.

Mr Medved was nowhere in sight two days ago as Rabbi Shmuley (author of Kosher Sex) and Mr Prager (author of Happiness is a Serious Problem and, it must be said, two divorces) vigorously presented their views on the question of Why Men Cheat.

Video of the two hour event is archived at The Jewish Journal. Rabbi Shmuley did lapse into speaking Hebrew, but only briefly.



Found at Luke Ford

Black women not making headway with Tiger Woods (or anyone else)

Can't a sister get a break?

SEATTLE, Washington - It was only a matter of time before a commentator would note a certain similarity in the physical appearance of all the women popping up in the Tiger Woods conquest gallery. Eugene Robinson:

Here's my real question, though: What's with the whole Barbie thing?

No offense to anyone who actually looks like Barbie, but it really is striking how much the women who've been linked to Woods resemble one another. I'm talking about the long hair, the specific body type, even the facial features. Mattel could sue for trademark infringement.
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But the world is full of beautiful women of all colors, shapes and sizes -- some with short hair or almond eyes, some with broad noses, some with yellow or brown skin. Woods appears to have bought into an "official" standard of beauty that is so conventional as to be almost oppressive.

Mr Robinson dances around a bit, but we know what your main concern is, sir - none of the women are black.

This reminded me of a comment about Tiger's preference in women that was made back in April of 2002, during the winning call of The Jim Rome Show's Smack-Off for that year. This was after Tiger had bagged Elin but before they were married, and the caller, Jeff in Richmond, made some comments about the relationship and then said "by the way, Tiger... can't a sister get a break?" (clip here)

Let us not single out Tiger for dodging black women - in fact, they're being dodged by American men of all races, at least if this analysis by okcupid.com is representative of the population as a whole. The two matrices below show write-back rates broken down by race; one is for female senders, and the other is for male senders. These are not across the entire population of responses, but only the responses where the sender and the recipient were considered a "match" by okcupid's match algorithm.



I circled the two lines of interest, but I didn't have to as they stick out just by their color-coding - black women are more likely to have their response to an ad ignored, and more likely to write back to someone who initiates contact.

Sounds like, no, a sister can't get a break.

chick gallery from Celebslam

Important piece of equipment for a top golfer - a wife

SEATTLE, Washington - One of the common reactions to the recent Tiger Woods revelations is "why does he even bother getting married?" Athletes who are single, by definition, can do whatever they want with as many women as they want and it's not a scandal. Derek Jeter is often cited in such discussions - he's become a kind of reference point on how to get your groove on worry-free as a famous athlete. Don't get married at all, or get married later in life, don't gum yourself up at the peak of your fame and sexual magnetism. Why did Tiger not take the Jeter route?

This topic came up at Roissy and I made the following comment there:

Another thing to keep in mind, on the “why would Tiger get married?” question… having that “stabilizing influence in your life” wife seems to be part of the culture of professional golf.

Often golf commentators will be blabbing about a golfer’s wife, how she adds balance to his life, Jack Nicklaus talking about how being a family man made him a better golfer, blah blah blah.

And Tiger, so sensitive to the history and marketing of the situation, probably sees having such a wife as necessary.

I think this applies to “individual” sports and not team sports, where you have a team support structure and you can be Derek Jeter and bang hot chicks for 15 years and not be married and not be out of line with the culture of your sport.

Required equipment

Seeing a golfer greet his wife and children when stepping off the 18th green after a big win is almost as common of a ritual as seeing them take off their cap and shake hands with the other players in their group. Most of the top golfers are married; of course you'll find some exceptions, the very young ones (e.g. Anthony Kim) and the ones who are embracing the Jeter/Roissy/Pacino/Clooney playboy ethic (e.g. Adam Scott and perhaps Sergio Garcia).

As I said above, Tiger Woods is especially sensitive to image and tradition, and probably takes it as a given that he must have the Golfer Wife - you can't step off the green after winning the US Open and be greeted by a Vegas cocktail waitress, or attend a banquet at Augusta with a nightclub publicist.

And if recent reports about the reworking of his prenup with his wife are to be believed, he's willing to shell out millions of dollars to maintain the tradition. In addition to modifying the dollar amounts and time horizons associated with a possible separation, there are allegedly clauses about Elin getting millions of dollars placed in her personal bank account right now in exchange for continued Golfer Wife behavior:

But apparently there's also a behavioral component to all this: Elin Woods must "be a dutiful wife in showing up with him at social events and in public as if they were still the perfect couple, and sign a nondisclosure form that will prevent her from ever telling her story."

This is big-money stuff, but I think this general behavior trickles all the way down to the common folk. I see women stay in half-ass, dead end relationships year after year and the only reason I can figure is that they don't want to attend wedding receptions without a date.

Prenup link found at Marginal Revolution

Science validates old Beavis and Butt-head observation about women

Astute observers of female nature

SEATTLE, Washington -

From an old Beavis and Butt-head episode:

Butt-head: Whoa! This song's about like, some chick doing it with like, some other chick's boyfriend.

Beavis: Yeah! That's pretty harsh.

Butt-head: Yeah. So like, this chick will only do yo if you like, already have a girlfriend...?

Beavis: Yeah, yeah! A lot of chicks are like that. They don't wanna go out with you unless you already have a girlfriend...but like, you can't get a girlfriend because you don't have a girlfriend...so it's like...struss-frating.

Science chimes in:

Men and women in the study were asked to describe their ideal romantic partner and were told they would be computer-matched with a like-minded student. Researchers told half of the participants that the person with whom they were matched was single. They told the other participants that their “match” was currently in a romantic relationship. Participants then answered a series of questions on how interested they would be in pursuing a relationship with their match.

Surprisingly [not so surprisingly - jeff], single women were much more interested in pursuing a relationship with a committed man than with a single man.

Specifically, when researchers described the man as single, 59 percent of single women were interested in pursuing him. However, when they described the exact same man as being in a committed relationship, 90 percent of the women were interested.

Men did not show this preference, and neither did women who were already in a relationship.

Research found at Overcoming Bias. B&B transcript from WikiQuote

Where were these chicks when I was at Clemson?

Another Dagny wannabe

SEATTLE, Washington - I noticed in the October 2009 issue of Reason that one of their summer interns, Amanda Carey, is a student at Clemson. She is the editor of the miniscule "right-wing" student paper, the Tiger Town Observer. Very cute, as you can see. Per Reason she talks "a little natural rights, a little Atlas Shrugged" in a regular Friday get-together, followed by a trip to "Super Taco."

Where were these types when I was prowling Tiger Town? I knew one of the members of the Observer staff at the time and he never mentioned cuties (or any women at all, that I recall) at the paper. Otherwise, I'd have also been hanging out with them, talking natural rights.

And Super Taco must be new, because I was quite well versed on cheap eats when I was there and I don't recall it. Does the local Pizza Hut still have a $4 lunch buffet? For the sake of the current students, I hope not. Is Nick's still peddling cheap pitchers of Lowenbrau Dark? Is it a good thing or bad thing if they are?

The big question facing Jets QB Mark Sanchez

SEATTLE, Washington - Mark Sanchez is in camp with the New York Jets. He has some questions swirling around him - can he handle the media pressure in New York? Will he be the opening-day starter as a rookie? Can he focus on football with all the distractions that his high profile will bring? But most importantly, will he ever be called on the carpet over the photo with the white jeans?

Sanchez did a photo shoot with GQ in May, and most of it is what we'd expect - Sanchez posing with a hot chick in a bikini, etc.

But this one shot... white jeans? White jeans? And a tight shirt that barely reaches his navel with colored horizontal stripes? He looks like a character in Querelle. This can't possibly help his standing in the locker room.

Lindsay Lohan's dad attempts hot Tiffani-Amber Thiessen pose

SEATTLE, Washington - A sheer top doesn't work for everyone. It definitely worked for Tiffani-Amber Thiessen back in the day. I thought the pic of her below was just about the hottest pic on the young mid-1990s internet. It has an understated sexiness to it. The clothing is perfect. The hair, perfect.

Now we have Michael Lohan, in what looks like a man-version of the same clothing? Why the hell are there pictures of him on the internet at all? Never mind one where he looks like he's trying to imitate one of the great photos of the 1990s.



I spotted Mr Lohan at Just Jared

Summer Glau may be the Russell Branyan of science fiction

Warning: mixing of sports and science fiction ahead

NEW YORK, New York - I've finished watching Firefly and it's clearly another instance of Summer Glau not being given the chance to show her full potential. She spent most of her time prowling around the ship in her muumuu, having the occasional breakdown or uttering a cryptic comment or two. She did not have a prominent role until the final episode.

She had a beefier role in Terminator, but still was not the featured player.

And now, she's going to play second or third fiddle to Eliza Dushku on Dollhouse. Eliza Dushku!

I've questioned Glau's potential before, but after seeing a lot of her work I think she can handle something big. She's just not being given the chance.

Things like this happen in sports. Look at Russell Branyan. For years, he's only been given a chance to be a part-time player: he strikes out too much, he can't field, he can't stay healthy, he can't hit left-handed pitchers, etc.

Now Branyan has been given a chance to be a full-timer in Seattle this year, and he's having a big season. His hitting against left-handed pitchers is not great but is adequate, and he's doing everything else asked of him.

Someone needs to do this with Summer Glau. It's a shame I'm not a television producer, because I'd do it. I'd throw her into the fire, work her hard. To quote from The Mack, I'd work that broad like nobody's ever worked her before. See if she can handle it. I think I'd have a star on my hands.

Women ruining the manual transmission party - or are they?

NEW YORK, New York - The manual transmission is plummeting in popularity. Last year a paltry 7% of new cars sold had the stick and clutch. The percentage of men expressing a preference for the stick has fallen from 50% in 1985 to 11% today.

Who to blame for this drop in the preferences of men? Women, of course:

One reason is that most women prefer automatics. "I tried a stick shift once, and then I faced a hill, and I never tried again," said Danielle Wilt, 20, a junior at York College in York, Pa.
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As Volkswagen salesman Ronald Sowell said of his wife, "I tried to teach her manual, but she didn't want to learn. She said that's why they make automatics."

"Ladies putting on makeup while they're drinking coffee and talking on their cell phone — they don't have time to shift gears," said Scott Parsons, a sales associate at Mantrans, a manual transmission repair shop in Tallahassee, Fla.

But after heaping blame on women for most of the article, the author drops this in at the end:

In fact, while interest in manual transmissions among men declined steadily for a generation, interest among women has grown steadily from 4 percent in 1985 to 15 percent last year.

Hopefully, all of this means that young car thieves will leave my ride alone. Or maybe a carjacker will order me out of my car, then order me back in to drive.

Piece of evidence #43768487 on how much tail Derek Jeter gets

SEATTLE, Washington - Derek Jeter's prolific dating life has kept the gossip columns and blogs abuzz for fifteen years (including vicious, unsubstantiated rumors, that I repeat here purely for informational purposes, that he has given herpes to the likes of Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, and Jessica Biel).

He's so prolific, when confronted with rumors that he had gotten engaged, he couldn't even figure out which woman they could be theorizing he got engaged to:

We caught up with the Yankee shortstop before his team bested the Texas Rangers on Tuesday and asked about the rumors he's set to wed "Friday Night Lights" actress Minka Kelly, with whom he was reportedly caught ring-shopping earlier this year.

"The what?" Jeter asked incredulously. "Engagement rumors with who? I have not heard that."

That's "rumors with whom", Derek, but maybe you were mis-quoted.

If you've observed Jeter for years, you know he's not the sharpest sword on the rack. Hey, that doesn't make him bad or unique. Why do I follow sports? I lost interest in the scores some time ago; now I pay attention simply because it's a bunch of guys with huge egos, vicious competitive streaks, tons of money, and usually not much as far as brains or judgment. Hilarity ensues.

Analysis of "best" lesbian sex scenes in the movies

SEATTLE, Washington - I've been running low of things to rent on Netflix, so I decided to work through about.com's list of the Best Lesbian Sex Scenes in the Movies. Here is my analysis:

Tipping the Velvet: Disappointing

Better than Chocolate: Hot lesbian action

When Night is Falling: Disappointing

If These Walls Could Talk 2: Didn't see it

If These Walls Could Talk: Disappointing

Head in the Clouds: Did I rent the Utah cut of this film? Since when does dancing count as lesbian sex??? FAIL

Lost and Delirious: Disappointing

Wild Side: Disappointing

The Hunger: Disappointing

Bound: Hot lesbian action

The time is right for Terminator to end

POST FALLS, Idaho - All of the buzz indicates that Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles is going to be canceled after one-and-a-half seasons. Now, who will be the hottest chick on television once Summer Glau is off the air? I won't know because I'll probably again retire from watching TV for 5-10 years.

SPOILER ALERT

Still - if you saw the last episode, you know that this is the time to end the series. Based on how it ended, if they did do another season it's possible that Glau would have to play a human instead of a cyborg. And if that happens, I think dear Ms Glau would end up getting exposed. Let's be honest - we're not talking about acting talent on the level of a Faye Dunaway or Kate Winslet here.

Update: a re-assessment of Summer Glau here.

Did N.W.A. lift lyrics from Vladimir Nabokov?

SEATTLE, Washington -

From Nabokov's Bend Sinister, 1947:

She sat with parted lips, slightly moving her tightly crossed thighs, producing a tiny sound, soft, labiate, with an alternate crepitation as if she were rubbing the palms of her hands which, however, lay idle.

'Chirruping like a poor lone cricket,' she said.

Portion of "Parental Discretion Iz Advised", from N.W.A's Straight Outta Compton, 1988:

Fuck the regular, yo as I get better the
bitches wanna trick and go stupid up on the dick
So I get 'em hot, thinkin' they're gonna get it
As they sit, rubbin' their legs like a cricket

I'm developing a Howard Hughes eccentricity

NEW YORK, New York - Howard Hughes had many quirks and eccentricities (I should know), and I may to some extent be picking up a quirk similar to one of his.

In 1973 Hughes, who had lived almost completely insulated from the outside world since the late 1950s, decided to personally test-fly some airplanes that he was considering for purchase. When he got in the cockpit, the first thing he did was remove his shirt and drop his pants. Why? He simply had fallen out of the habit of wearing clothes. In fact, his aides had to go to the store to buy the billionaire the pants and slacks that he shed in the cockpit - Hughes literally did not own any clothes besides a couple bathrobes.

Hughes made several flights over the next two months and seemed to be coming out of his long isolation, but unfortunately the Mormon Mafia broke his hip he fell and broke his hip in the bathroom and he never flew an airplane (or even walked) for the rest of his life.

How do I figure into this? My telecommuting job is also getting me out of the habit of wearing clothes. I work most of the day in some boxer briefs and a t-shirt or undershirt, throwing on some sweatpants or jogging pants if I go out for espresso or groceries or even to a restaurant. I can easily go a week or two without putting on real pants. When I do show up at the office (like this week), I have to wear jeans and sneakers and by the end of each day my legs are sore and/or puffy and my feet hurt.

It may be time to upgrade to total seclusion.

Minnesota Vikings coach meatgazing in the locker room

SEATTLE, Washington - Ah, the sanctity of the locker room - cameras aren't supposed to be there to capture a coach checking out his players' cranks. Fox's post-game show, after nearly 15 years, finally became interesting as they *accidentally* broadcast some frontal nudity of tight end Visanthe Shiancoe. You would think that coach Brad Childress (the bald guy) has been in enough locker rooms that he would not be caught blatantly meatgazing like this.

The guy that looks like Dennis Farina is Vikings owner Zygi Wilf.

You can click through to Deadspin for uncensored pics and analysis.

UPDATE: Dan Patrick interviewed Shiancoe about the "exposure". There's an audio link on that page. Shiancoe, of course, has a relaxed attitude about the whole incident.

we have a new champion - Internet Bikini Ass Photo division

NEW YORK CITY, New York - Move over Mena Suvari, because you've just been blasted off the stage by the fleshy flawlessness of this picture of Vida Guerra, whoever she is.

Hollywood Tuna isn't a fan of Guerra (Tuna seems to prefer the skinny fake-boob types) but count me among the disciples.

Why do guys knock up women?

SEATTLE, Washington - Everyone knows why women lie about birth control and get knocked up - but why do guys let themselves fall for this? Why perform this (hopefully, I think) massively life-changing event so casually?

Unless a guy is doing something exotic like holding his laptop in his lap and hoping this damages the sperm, all he has is vasectomy and condoms. If you haven't had a vasectomy, and you have sex without a condom with a woman capable of pregnancy, and you're not in a permanent-ish (e.g. marriage) relationship with the woman, you're either extremely irresponsible or you want to make a baby. Most contraceptive claims a woman makes in these circumstances should be ignored.

I'm coming around to the idea that a lot of guys want to make the baby, even if it's a semi-conscious or unconscious decision. I think a lot of people are like me, they procrastinate and waffle on certain large decisions in their life e.g. who to settle down with, or whether to have a child at all. Having sex without a condom in these circumstances has a couple advantages: (1) you get to have sex without a condom, which I assume is more pleasurable than doing it with a condom and (2) you could have one of your Big Life Decisions made for you by fathering a child with a particular person.

Should you masturbate before gambling?

SEATTLE, Washington - I've already discussed how masturbation does not adversely affect athletic performance - but what about gambling? Jean Genet, in The Thief's Journal, claims that a pre-gambling spank was standard practice in the circles he ran in:

He led me a few steps away to the one comfort station on the Parallelo. It was run by an old woman. Surprised by the suddenness of his decision, I questioned him:

"What are you going to do?"

"Wait for me."

"Why?"

He answered with a Spanish word which I did not understand. I told him so and, in front of the old woman who was waiting for her two sous, he burst out laughing and made the gesture of jerking off. When he came out, his face had a bit of color. He was still smiling.

"It's all right now. I'm ready."

That's how I learned that, on big occasions, players went there to jerk off in order to be calmer and more sure of themselves. We went back to the lot. Pépé chose a group. He lost. He lost all he had.

(From the Grove Press translation)

A better economic barometer - photos of chicks

SEATTLE, Washington - I know I've been whining about the herd behavior of the public regarding their opinion of the "economy", but we may have finally stumbled upon a good indicator of the public's true sentiment - Playboy centerfolds. Scholars have correlated the dimensions of the playmates with the economic conditions of the time of their photo spread, and determined that in bad times, the playmates look like someone you'd hook up to the plow, and in good times they look like baby factories. This is consistent with something called the Environmental Security Hypothesis:

The Environmental Security Hypothesis says that in tough times men will prefer women who are good at production, generally older, taller, heavier, less curvaceous women with less body fat. In good times, they will prefer women who are good at reproduction, generally younger, shorter, lighter, more curvaceous women.