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This Week's News regarding genitals and athletics

SEATTLE, Washington -

  • Use an electric razor next time: Cyclist Tammy Thomas is currently on trial for perjury regarding testimony she made during the investigation into the BALCO steroid distribution ring. A tester testified last week that when he went to find Thomas to collect a urine sample, she had shaving cream on her face.
  • "she needs more of ze punishment!": The head of the Formula One racing governing body, Max Mosley, is being pressured to resign after revelations that he engineered a Nazi-themed orgy with five prostitutes. Mosley at first acknowledged an orgy but denied any Nazi role-playing, but the evidence may be catching up to him.
  • What, it's been used for thousands of years: China's Olympic athletes and their promoters are concerned about positive drug tests this summer, so various ancient performance-enhancing concoctions have been put on the prohibited list, including turtle blood and deer penis.